April 1, 2008

About Coots

As one of my favorite websites, Dictionary.com, reports, a coot is "any aquatic bird of the genus Fulica, as F.americana, of North America, and F. atra, of the Old World, characterized by lobate toes and short wings and tail."  It does later admit that an informal definition is "a foolish or crotchety person, esp. one who is old."  Hence the common phrase, "old coot."

Indeed, one has never heard of a "young coot" or even a "middle-aged coot," and the only documented instance in which a person was referred to simply as a "coot" comes from, of course, America's cultural leader, "The Simpsons." (Abraham "Grandpa" Simpson is labeled by Springfield news as a local coot.)

Little do you wastrels (as we coots call you amongst ourselves) understand how distressing we find such misrepresentation.  Little do you understand the storm that is brewing.

Deep into the night, long after we have distributed good night kisses to our children, i.e., our cooties, who scuffle off to dreams of a bright future, we coots flock to our various watering holes to discuss "The Change" that must come.  Some of us gather at posh cootillions, at least those of us who are not uncooth, and you can find earthier coots gathered at popular spots, like "Cooters."  Whatever the location, an occasional "Cootini!" is shouted, Jawas style, by a coot anxious for change.

Earlier, moderate campaigns, like "I'm a Coot and I give a hoot!" and "The Coot is not moot" have long ago seeped out of the popular memory.  A growing number among us argue that the time has come for coots to toot the brute suit or go kaput.

Whatever our next move may be, young wastrels, I can guarantee that it will be wholly unexpected and awesome.  You'll never see it coming.

I can only hope that you will notice when it arrives.