May 11, 2008
OLD MAN LOSES BEARINGS, YELLS AT CLOUD
(LBP) Phoenix, AZ, 11 May 2008, 11:15 AM MT John
McCain reiterated to reporters gathered at his home today for a Mother's
Day Barbeque that he is a "man
of the twentieth century who stands for the League of Nations and the
important influence it can bring to bear on troubled countries like
Czechoslovakia and Persia." The 71-year-old Arizona Senator
then picked up a burning charcoal and bit angrily into it, snarling, "Dagnabbit!
No whippersnapper is going to la-de-da flick his elitist left pinky at me
and accuse me of being a crotchety old coot just because I may have
misspoken about
al Qaida and Shiites and Sunnis in Iraq ― my
friends, don't you understand that, once we've spent a hundred years in
Iraq, there won't be any al Qaida or Shiites or Sunnis left there, and
that'll make the next thousand years a breeze?"
The Senior Senator from Arizona then bristled
at being called the "Senior Senator from Arizona" and Barack Obama's recent
complaint that his tying Hamas to the Democratic presumptive nominee meant
that he had 'lost his bearings.' "The junior moppet from Illinois may
think that I'm old, but I am just responding to the voices I hear from the
electorate who want me to bring up Hamas and Jeremiah Wright and hip-hop
music!" Senator McCain then threw a hot charcoal at the reporter who
asked him how long he had been hearing those voices.
The Senator waved a fist angrily at the sole,
small cloud floating in the sky and proclaimed, "That wispy, puffy little
cloud is nothing compared to a good ole American mushroom cloud over
Teheran, mark my words."
Later, Sen. McCain questioned the integrity of
those who claim he is
waffling on liberalizing the Republican Party's Pro-Life Plank, asking,
"What about a Pro-Adultery or Anti-Divorce Plank? You haven't heard
much about those, I'll betcha, dang gummit!"
Additional remarks by the Senator were
recorded and have been reported by
The Onion.
