June 25, 2008
Diary of a Mad White Boy
Chapter 1: Partial Transcript
of the Visit to the Shrink
Me:
I'm not crazy, you know.
Sigmund: Of course not! Of
course, that is what all of my patients say ― at first.
Could you tell me why you are not crazy?
Me: I think it's
obvious, don't you? Time-travelers are interfering in America's
political process in order to ensure continued corruption. The way I
figure it: there are a few ultra-right wing neoconservatives in the future
who are rebelling against President Obama's post-partisan utopia.
They've cloned 18th and 19th century personality
profiles onto 20th century political opponents of Obama.
Sigmund: Ah, but this is
the 21st century, isn't it?
Me: You'd think everyone
would remember that, wouldn't you?
Sigmund: So everyone who
opposes Barack Obama is from the 20th century?
Me: Well, McCain and
Bush and Nader are, at least ― and most
of their underlings.
Sigmund: And Hillary?
Me: No, not her.
She's not 20th century ―
she's just plain nasty!
Sigmund: Go on, please.
Explain how this works.
Me: Well, did you hear
what Nader said the other day? He said that the problem with Obama
is that he is "talking white" and that he isn't talking enough about poverty
and asbestos in the "ghetto!" Is there anyone under sixty who even
uses the word ghetto anymore?
Sigmund: So your point
is ―
Me: And Bush! He
has a
meeting with the Filipino President at the White House and
Bush says, "I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great
talent of the -- of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White
House." He meets with the head of another state and talks down to her
as if she's part of the hired help! I guess that worked in colonial
days, huh?
Sigmund: So you think
that these remarks will somehow prevent Barack Obama from being elected?
Me: No! Duh!
He'll win in a landslide!
Sigmund: (unintelligible
muttering)
Me: Stick with me on
this, Doc. You've heard Obama's standard stump speech, haven't you?
He talks about change,
yada
yada, then he tells folks that change is not easy and that they
therefore have to stay involved in the political process to ensure change.
In other words, elect him, then hold his feet ― and the feet of every other
politician ― to the fire in order to make sure that they do what people
really want them to do.
Sigmund: But with his
opposition talking and behaving so stupidly, he will easily win the election
and feel less inclined to be responsive to the electorate?
Me: Precisely!
He'll have fireproof feet, and by the summer of 2009 he will conduct an
inspection tour of new off shore drilling sites on the new Presidential
yacht, the Exxon Valdeez We Can!
Sigmund: (deep
sighing) But, of course, Bush and Nader aren't Obama's real
competition. His real competitor is . . . is . . . .
Me: Precisely.
John "Get Off My Lawn!" McCain. The guy who thinks a hundred year
occupation of the Middle East is a good idea. The guy who said that
World War III started a couple of years ago. The guy who
gets Shiites and Sunnis confused with each other, not to mention
Al-Qaida and Iran. The guy whose chief
adviser said that another terrorist attack on American soil would be a good
thing ― for McCain. The guy whose website now includes a "Pork
Invaders" game that is about a thousand years old. The guy who ―
Hey! hey! what are you doing? Ouch! That hurt!
Sigmund: (shushing
sounds) Just a pinprick on your arm, that's all ― and soon the
drugs will be flowing through your veins and making you feel much
better. You need to relax. These aren't time-travelers: these
are just normal politicians.
Me: (slurred words)
Normal politicians don't act that stupid! Normal politicians
would have their act together, watch what they say in public, and . .
. and say intelligent things, you know what I mean? (giggling)
But I can see Obama now, dressed in coveralls with a slingshot in his back
pocket, whizzing by McCain on a scooter and calling him "Mr. Wilson."
What do you think . . . whad'ya . . . (snoring)
Sigmund: (cell phone
click and beeps) Heinlein, I found another one. No, no, he's
sedated now. I'll have him institutionalized until after the election.
Tell our Dark Overlord that Project Asimov is still a go. And by the
way, you can tell Karl that I still think that the "Dark Overlord" pun
stinks.
