SHAKEUP IN MCCAIN SECRET
SERVICE
"MYSTERY ASSAILANT" REMAINS
AT LARGE
(LBP) Washington, DC, 14 July 2008, 5:00 ET At least
two, and as many of six, of the Secret Service agents assigned to guard
Republican presidential candidate John Sidney McCain have been re-assigned
to "paid administrative leave" and have been replaced. These changes
were implemented in response to an incident last week, that went largely
unreported, in which a man walked up to John McCain on the street in Tucson,
slapped him across the right cheek and then ran away.
The assailant, identified by witnesses as a "local
character" who goes by the name of T. Truth, is being sought by
authorities. A complication to the investigation is that Senator
McCain has been unable to identify his attacker. Said Senator McCain,
"At first, I thought that he looked vaguely familiar, but I really couldn't
tell you who this character is." This development has taken many of
the Senator's constituents by surprise. "The Truth [the assailant's
full name] has been at a lot of his town hall meetings and has asked him a
lot of questions," said Mary Agnes Mandrake, one of McCain's local
supporters. "I don't know why he couldn't recognize him."
Wilbur K. Virtue, Professor of Obscure Minutiae at Bisbee
Agricultural University, has responded to the attack on John McCain by
calling for a "seminar of philosophers, scholars, holy men, wise men,
thinkers, scholars and sages." The professor explained: "I think it's
obvious. Ever since John McCain started running for president again,
people have been saying it, and now it has come to pass
― John McCain couldn't recognize The Truth when it walked right up to
him on the street and slapped him in the face!"
