SCIENTISTS CLAIM SUCCESS IN TIME TRAVEL EXPERIMENT
(LBP) Cambridge, MA, 2 August 2008, 4:00 ET
Astrophysicists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced today
that they had successfully concluded time travel experiments with the help
of presidential candidate John McCain.
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John McCain meets self in Time, realizes he hates
himself. |
Taking a cue from recent political commentary to the
effect that the John McCain of 2000 was a very different politician than
John McCain today, scientists at MIT successfully teleported John McCain
back to the year 2000 where he met his younger self and interacted with
himself over the course of four days.
Combining a thorough de-briefing of McCain 2008 with
tape-recordings conducted in the past, MIT scientists announced the
following initial results:
McCain 2000 disapproved of McCain 2008, calling him a
shallow, cynical politician.
McCain 2000 was not surprised to hear of America's current
economic, military and environmental woes, saying, "I knew that idiot
son-of-a-bitch Bush would f**k things up."
McCain 2000, on the other hand, was pleasantly surprised
that he would still be alive eight years in his future.
McCain 2008 for his part was most impressed by Cindy 2000,
saying, "she was a lot hotter than the model I'm stuck with now." McCain
2008 disclosed that he met secretly with Cindy 2000 on the third night of
his visit to the past. "It felt good and natural," he said, "cheating on
myself. On the other hand, this means that the c**t cheated on me! I'm going
to have to do something about that."
McCain 2008 added that he disapproved of McCain 2000 as a
presidential candidate, complaining, "That old coot would be a disaster in
the White House!"
