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INTRO |
 "Language is the grand tool that differentiates us from the
other animals because it is by language that we so effectively miscommunicate
amongst ourselves." So I was told years ago by a wise woman, and so I have
continued to believe because that lady
― as the word
was spread in my small circle ― did indeed have an
intimate working knowledge of grand tools and their manifold attributes.
However ill-conceived or misbegotten a man (or his ideas) may be, he struggles
to communicate. It is no matter that his intended audience lacks either
the interest or the intellectual wherewithal to enter into the intended
linguistic conspiracy for he, at the base, is a fool and will struggle
nonetheless. If none listen, he will bemoan his fate as a misunderstood
person. If many listen, then inevitably he will be misunderstood
― but he will not complain because people will be giving
him attention, however insubstantial and ephemeral.
On this cheerful note, please find below a
list, to which I will occasionally add: this is a list of things that I just
can't understand. And to the left are links to things that make sense to
me, but few others.
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 "You can run, but you can't hide."
Just WTF is that
supposed to mean? Do you have any idea of how much pain this common,
insane saying has caused me since childhood? We children would gather,
agree to play hide-and-go-seek, "It" would start counting, and I would
― run. I would run and run and run because, after
all, hiding would do me no good: it can't be done!
Days later, the police, often from another
city, would haul my exhausted butt back home and confront my parents who
would, after some prodding, acknowledge their relationship to me and
apologize to the officers for my foolishness.
Just the other day, I viewed a commercial
on television in which John Walsh of "America's
Most Wanted" warned loathsome fugitives that, "You can run, but you
can't hide." Really, Mr. Walsh? Then why all the fuss? If
they are incapable of keeping themselves hidden, then why not just pick them
up and be done with it?
Phrase Finder attributes this saying to the boxer Joe Louis who
evidently said it to indicate that
an opponent's superior speed and footwork would not render him unhittable
within the small confines of the boxing ring. Apparently, no one
chose to translate this to the more prosaic, "Small and simple environments
favor strength over speed." |
 "Give one hundred and ten per cent."If there is any civilized and
sane argument in favor of public executions, then certainly its
personification must be the person who came up with this gem.
For years, I have been attracted to the notion that one
reason that boys obtain better math scores than girls is that boys are
forced by their interest in sports to learn arithmetic. As soon as you
begin to follow the exploits of your favorite baseball team, you must learn
how to determine batting averages, ERA (Earned Run Average) and winning
percentages. It feels natural to know that two divided by seven is
equal to 28.6% since two of seven results in .286, a common batting average.
But nobody has a batting average of 1.143 because, try as you might, you can
get no more than seven hits in seven at bats.
Maybe the guys who came up with
OPS just got carried away (but, alas, not far away enough).
If I give you a hundred and ten per cent effort, does that
mean that I try really hard in all fields except mathematics?
Or does it just mean that I'm a dolt who exaggerates but
who, blessedly, does not
over-exaggerate? |
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