PRESIDENT MCCAIN WILL TESTIFY

AT BARACK OBAMA'S TRIAL

(LBP) Washington, DC, 19 August 2008, 3:00 ET  If Barack Obama loses the upcoming November election, then he will be tried for treason and will face the death sentence, it was learned today.

Representatives of Arizona Senator John McCain announced early this afternoon that the presumptive Republican candidate for President anticipates, not only that he will win the General Election this November, but also that he will find himself "forced by sad, tragic circumstance to authorize the arrest and prosecution of Barack Obama for treason against the United States of America."   This is based on John McCain's oft repeated assertion that Barack Obama would "rather lose a war than an election."

Both Senator McCain and his senior foreign policy advisor, Randy ("Sweet Georgia Green") Scheunemann have made and stand by this accusation, and various constitutional authorities have argued that the Republican's characterization of Senator Obama's campaign tactics constitutes a fair description of treason as defined in Article III of the U.S. Constitution.

Representatives of the McCain campaign, speaking on condition of anonymity, added that Senator McCain is looking forward to testifying at Obama's trial.  "It would be unusual, to say the least, for a sitting President to testify at a trial," they admitted, but Senator McCain considers himself "uniquely qualified and obligated to testify since he is Obama's rival in the very campaign in which Barack Obama is demonstrating his treason."

Senator Obama could not be reached for comment, but was said to be consulting long time friend Tony Resko on the question of legal representation at trial.

(LBP) Cambridge, MA, 2 August 2008, 4:00 ET  Astrophysicists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced today that they had successfully concluded time travel experiments with the help of presidential candidate John McCain.

Taking a cue from recent political commentary to the effect that the John McCain of 2000 was a very different politician than John McCain today, scientists at MIT successfully teleported John McCain back to the year 2000 where he met his younger self and interacted with himself over the course of four days.

Combining a thorough de-briefing of McCain 2008 with tape-recordings conducted in the past, MIT scientists announced the following initial results:

McCain 2000 disapproved of McCain 2008, calling him a shallow, cynical politician.

McCain 2000 was not surprised to hear of America's current economic, military and environmental woes, saying, "I knew that idiot son-of-a-bitch Bush would f**k things up."

McCain 2000, on the other hand, was pleasantly surprised that he would still be alive eight years in his future.

McCain 2008 for his part was most impressed by Cindy 2000, saying, "she was a lot hotter than the model I'm stuck with now." McCain 2008 disclosed that he met secretly with Cindy 2000 on the third night of his visit to the past. "It felt good and natural," he said, "cheating on myself. On the other hand, this means that the c**t cheated on me! I'm going to have to do something about that."

McCain 2008 added that he disapproved of McCain 2000 as a presidential candidate, complaining, "That old coot would be a disaster in the White House!"

SHAKEUP IN MCCAIN SECRET SERVICE

"MYSTERY ASSAILANT" REMAINS AT LARGE

(LBP) Washington, DC, 14 July 2008, 5:00 ET  At least two, and as many of six, of the Secret Service agents assigned to guard Republican presidential candidate John Sidney McCain have been re-assigned to "paid administrative leave" and have been replaced.  These changes were implemented in response to an incident last week, that went largely unreported, in which a man walked up to John McCain on the street in Tucson, slapped him across the right cheek and then ran away.

The assailant, identified by witnesses as a "local character" who goes by the name of T. Truth, is being sought by authorities.  A complication to the investigation is that Senator McCain has been unable to identify his attacker.  Said Senator McCain, "At first, I thought that he looked vaguely familiar, but I really couldn't tell you who this character is."  This development has taken many of the Senator's constituents by surprise.  "The Truth [the assailant's full name] has been at a lot of his town hall meetings and has asked him a lot of questions," said Mary Agnes Mandrake, one of McCain's local supporters.  "I don't know why he couldn't recognize him."

Wilbur K. Virtue, Professor of Obscure Minutiae at Bisbee Agricultural University, has responded to the attack on John McCain by calling for a "seminar of philosophers, scholars, holy men, wise men, thinkers, scholars and sages."  The professor explained: "I think it's obvious.  Ever since John McCain started running for president again, people have been saying it, and now it has come to pass ― John McCain couldn't recognize The Truth when it walked right up to him on the street and slapped him in the face!"

(LBP) Detroit, MI, 20 June 2008, 8:00 AM CT  A festering scandal that some are calling "Hijab-gate" threatens to burst and reveal one of the darkest fears that continues to haunt Barack Obama's campaign for the presidency.  Volunteer workers for the Democratic presumptive candidate denied seating to two women wearing "Islamic head scarves," or hijabs, at the Obama-Gore rally in Detroit this past Monday.  The women were not excluded from the crowd attending the rally, but they were denied seating directly behind the candidate which would have put them within camera shot of Obama.  The presumed concern was that video tape and photographs of "Muslim-looking" supporters with the candidate would further fuel rumors that Barack Obama is a Muslim.

What the mainstream media has failed to report is that it was the women's Abercrombie & Fitch shirts ― and not their hijabs ― that worried the campaign workers.  It was during an April 22^nd Obama speech that three men sporting tee-shirts with the Abercrombie & Fitch logo managed to position themselves directly behind Sen. Obama, thus securing a free advertisement for the clothier, and causing considerable embarrassment to the candidate.  Speaking on condition of confidentiality, one highly placed campaign official said: "Those shirts are just too commercial and too WASPish and too homoerotic for us.  What?  Islamic head scarves?  Really?  I hadn't noticed."

Keeping up the hijab cover, Sen. Obama called the two women involved Thursday and apologized for the seating incident.  Reportedly, both women continue to support Barack Obama, but both continue to wear tee-shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch.

(LBP) Chicago, IL, 8 June 2008, 12:00 PM CT  Global warming has been slowed down, and this is due entirely to supporters of former presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, according to the Chicago International Institute of Ecological Studies.  "There is a small but appreciable decline in the emission of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere," said Dr. Verna K. Draines, spokesperson for the Institute.  "This decline first showed up about a week ago, and it continues unabated.  It appears that the decline in carbon dioxide emissions is due entirely to Hillary dead-enders holding their breath and demanding that she get the Democratic nomination."

Dr. Draines brushed aside questions about the political ramifications of the Institute's findings and added: "I'm not interested in the politics of it.  The simple fact is that if we can get a few million angry Hillary supporters to cry and rant and hold their breath until their faces turn purple, we just could have Global Warming beat!"

OBAMA WINS NOMINATION,

RAINS ON HILLARY'S PARADE

(LBP) NY, NY, 4 June 2008, 11:00 PM ET  Hillary Clinton is fuming, angry with Barack Obama's "crude and impolitic refusal to acknowledge her as the obvious and inevitable candidate of the Democratic Party for President," according to highly placed sources within her campaign who spoke on condition of anonymity.  Clinging to the slender reed of a delegate majority, Barack Obama actually claimed that he may be the party's nominee while speaking to a crowd of thirty-two thousand at St. Paul, Minnesota.

In an earlier speech in New York, Hillary Clinton was gracious as always, going so far as to acknowledge Barack Obama's existence.  Only at one point in her speech did she touch upon Obama's claim, stating, "Saying that having the majority of delegate votes makes you the nominee: well, sir, that sounds like caucus talk to me ― and you know what I think of caucuses!"

"Hillary had been considering him as a potential Vice Presidential running mate, but I think he has pretty well blown that opportunity" one campaign worker explained.

(LBP) Phoenix, AZ, 11 May 2008, 11:15 AM MT   John McCain reiterated to reporters gathered at his home today for a Mother's Day Barbeque that he is a "man of the twentieth century who stands for the League of Nations and the important influence it can bring to bear on troubled countries like Czechoslovakia and Persia."  The 71-year-old Arizona Senator then picked up a burning charcoal and bit angrily into it, snarling, "Dagnabbit! No whippersnapper is going to la-de-da flick his elitist left pinky at me and accuse me of being a crotchety old coot just because I may have misspoken about al Qaida and Shiites and Sunnis in Iraq ― my friends, don't you understand that, once we've spent a hundred years in Iraq, there won't be any al Qaida or Shiites or Sunnis left there, and that'll make the next thousand years a breeze?"

The Senior Senator from Arizona then bristled at being called the "Senior Senator from Arizona" and Barack Obama's recent complaint that his tying Hamas to the Democratic presumptive nominee meant that he had 'lost his bearings.'  "The junior moppet from Illinois may think that I'm old, but I am just responding to the voices I hear from the electorate who want me to bring up Hamas and Jeremiah Wright and hip-hop music!"  Senator McCain then threw a hot charcoal at the reporter who asked him how long he had been hearing those voices.

The Senator waved a fist angrily at the sole, small cloud floating in the sky and proclaimed, "That wispy, puffy little cloud is nothing compared to a good ole American mushroom cloud over Teheran, mark my words."

Later, Sen. McCain questioned the integrity of those who claim he is waffling on liberalizing the Republican Party's Pro-Life Plank, asking, "What about a Pro-Adultery or Anti-Divorce Plank?  You haven't heard much about those, I'll betcha, dang gummit!"

Additional remarks by the Senator were recorded and have been reported by The Onion.

(LBP) Chappaqua, NY, 11 May 2008, 10:00 AM ET   The Clinton campaign this morning released an "open memo" arguing that Hillary Clinton's nomination for president, as well as her victory in November, is "a virtual certainty."  The memo argues that, while Barack Obama currently has a "small lead among delegates," they are "virtually deadlocked among super delegates, but Hillary Clinton holds an insurmountable and still growing lead among supernatural delegates."

Supernatural Delegates attributed by the memo to the Clinton side include: Jesus Christ, Thor, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Hino (Iroquois thunder god), Aphrodite, Juno, Thanatos, Horus, Isis, Sue Storm (Invisible Girl of Fantastic Four), and Mother Earth.  The memo argues that the only Supernatural Delegate known to have announced for Obama is Muhammad, and throws in, "But is that spelled Muhammad or Mohammed or Mohamed or how?  Should we really count a Supernatural Delegate who can't even spell his own name and who founded the religion that so causes divisiveness in America?"

Supernatural Delegates are a heretofore ignored category of individuals expected to attend the Democratic National Convention this August.  Terry McAuliffe, reached by telephone, admitted that Supernatural Delegates are not allotted votes at the convention, but he argued that they nonetheless will "exert immeasurable influence on voting delegates.  Besides," he contended, "we all know that they should have votes!  What?  We're not satisfied with disenfranchising Michigan and Florida?  Now Obama wants us to ignore the gods as well?  Well, that's not the democratic way, and I don't think that voting Americans will agree with Obama."

The memo released this morning argues: "Hillary Clinton's lead among Supernatural Delegates is insurmountable and is still growing.  This is especially impressive when one considers that the number of Supernatural Delegates is infinite."

The Obama campaign was not immediately available for comment.

(LBP) Portland, OR, 9 May 2008, 9:15 PM PT   A man broke through the cordon of Secret Service agents guarding Sen. Hillary Clinton and attacked her as she spoke to a crowd of some three thousand at a campaign event at the Oregon Convention Center this evening.  Grabbing the presidential candidate before she could flee, he flung her to the stage floor, then fell upon her and withdrew a large wooden stake from his black cape and rammed the wooden stake through her heart.  Before agents and police could reach the man, Sen. Clinton, the stake still stuck in her body, arose from the floor, holding the attacker by his shoulders.  Crowd members close to the stage report that the New York junior Senator emitted a low, guttural laugh and said, "Van Helsing, you believe that fairy tale?"  Sen. Clinton then bit the intruder's neck and drank his blood.

As police removed the attacker's dead body, Sen. Clinton told them, "I knew him. I always thought he was crazy."